January 14 2003

2003 "Quietest Year On Record" - The international publishing magnate Rupert Murdoch anounced yesterday to a shocked world that "virtually nothing worth commenting on" had occurred over the preceding twelve months. Addressing a bemused press conference, he said that 2003 was officially the least News-worthy year on records since records began, surpassing the previous record-holder 1952 by several "wassits". Analysts are refraining from making any comment upon Mr Murdoch's allegation until they can verify the "wassit" as having any precedence as a unit for measuring news or, indeed, anything at all. Mr Murdoch's opponents maintain that the anouncement represents the continuing way in which he is able to manipulate the news. "By simply holding this press conference a fortnight earlier", said one commentator, "he would have easily made 2003 at least as newsworthy as 1994."

Manchester launches bid to be Centre of the Universe - Hoping to capitalise upon the success of the Commonwealth Games and the apparent absence of a British Olympic bid, Manchester has launched a bid to claim the coveted title of "Centre of the Universe". The bid, which has caused no discernable surprise to Mancunians, will face formidable opposition in the form of rival bids from Alpha Centauri, Sirius B, and Liverpool. Manchester, however, remains confident that the bid being organised by Tony Wilson and Nathan McGough can beat off the competition. "After all", said once staunch Mancunian, "We've got the Arndale centre, haven't we?"

Tolkien was early prototyope for Ozzy Osborne, says CS Lewis - In a move which has startled the literary establishment, respected author CS Lewis, famed for his "Narnia" series of books, has gone on record as saying that Self-styled Prince of Darkness Ozzy Osborne is "Obviously just ripping off JRR Tolkien". He continued, "Take the accent, for example:- Tolkien spend much of his youth in Birmingham and Worcestershire. Then the obsession with darkness, evil forces and jewellery - Tolkien to a tee, if you ask me. And as for his vocabulary, well, where to start. A mate of mine used to come to the Rhymers' club, a brickie by trade. Anyway, he had to stop coming after a while - Tolkien's constant foul-mouthed swearing and profanity was getting to him, but it was the lewd way Tolkien dealt with women, as well as his constant farting that made my aquaintance give up in the end." Lewis's astonishing claims have left Tolkien's defenders scrambling for a suitable response. "This is not the kind of allegation we usually have to contend with" said one family friend, "and certainly not from a writer who has been dead for the best part of fifty years".

December 14 2001

Newsreader "Has nothing to say" - Spanish newsreader Péter Péseta took his fit of pique further than most, when he continued a non-speaking arguement with his boss whilst on air. Over the course of the last month, Péseta has refused to say one word in response to his producer's demands as a protest over what he claims is "non-payment of wages". His "employers" have countered the claim by saying that they actually fired Peseta two months ago, and cannot understand why he insists upon still turning up for work. They say that they would like to take the issue to some kind of arbitration, but as yet, Péseta, whilst coming along to the arbitration committees, has refused to put forward any contribution to the sessions. A spokesman said, "well, we'll give it another month, but I don't see him saying anything real soon."

Bearded Loon Strikes again. Fears for the safety of virtually the entire child population of the world were, for the two thousandth year in succession, highest amongst delegates meeting at the "Anti-Claus Convention of America" this week. Spokesman Ken Tuckee told us:_ "Each christmas, the personal space of our children is invaded by a man who illegelly enters our house, and sneaks into their room to give them his 'special gifts'. If he weren't such a well-loved figure, this 'Father Christmas' would be a fugitive by now, and rightly so. If I ever catch that son of a bitch, it won't be his reindeer's nose that's glowing bright red", Mr Tuckee rather eupehmistically concluded.

December 9 2001

Life is officially shit. Yesterday, a delegate from the World Health Organisation revealed that standards of living have fallen so dramatically over the last decade that previously acceptable standards have ceased to have any relevance, saying; "Look, shit is the only word for it. I'd like to say it isn't that bad, but look at the statistics. There's no other word for it man - life these days is just shit". He later went on to declare international politics to be "One whole holy crock of shit" and at least three Heads of State to be "A bunch of wankers".

Emu stages solo comeback. The popular children's puppet, Emu, has staged a comeback, nearly two years after his stage partner Rod Hull died whilst tragically falling from his roof. "I think I just eventually came to grips with what had happened to Rod" said the former Pink Windmill star, "And after a while, it seemed like this was what Rod would have done had it been the other way round". He told Journalists he planned to "do some television, and maybe tour, and then get serious about finishing my autobiography", before chasing two cameramen around the studio, snapping at them with his beak.

Waters "said Hello". Down-in-the-mouth Rock Star, Roger Waters, formerly of Pink Floyd, astounded neighbours at his Surrey home by reportedly "being jolly". Next door neighbour Jim Lofthouse told us "I was just finishing sweeping my front path, when I heard this eerie noise. Worried that the dog might be in heat, I turned to see what it was, only to be confronted by Roger skipping down his path, absentmindedly singing along to Shaggy's "Oh Carolina"." Mr Lofthouse, visibly shocked by what had happened, went on:"Then he did nothing more than flash me a big toothy grin and shout 'Hello, Jim, how's the wife?'. I'll tell you, I was quite taken aback." This is not the first time in recent months that Waters' unusual behaviour has caused concern amongst his neighbours. Two weeks ago, he reportedly chatted amicably to the milkman, and a week before that he had allegedly told another neighbour, Mrs Gasly, to "Feel free to drop by for a cup of tea" whenever she liked.

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