December 9 2001
What an incredible six month's research it's been. So far, this year, we've uncovered a number of finds which, little under a year ago, would have seemed unthinkable. One man, Mr Adam Beresford of Ryleands writes:
My wardrobe is in an unusable state. My clothes have been savagely mauled, my bed is covered in savage claw marks, the living room has traces of black fur all over the hearthside rug, there's shit all over my cooker, and I've not seen the wife since last wednesday.
Do you think it's possible that a bear has ramsacked my house, and abducted my wife?
A Beresford, Mr.
Mr Beresford's suggestion that his domestic bliss has been shattered by a bear would, as recently as July, have been mocked. Further compounding his personal grief, most would have gone on to accuse him of living in some sort of fantasy world where large mammals are blamed for his inattentive attitude to his home life. We, here at the Lancaster Bearwatch are above such things.
The Bears at Ryleands Park, shortly before they mauled our photographer.
We, like our colleagues in such fine organisations as the Halton Borough Lionwatch, The Purley Giraffery and The Frodsham Society for the Protection of Elephants, recognise the very real effect that Bears have on the world around us. So, bearing (ha ha) this in mind, we can reveal that, yes, Mr Beresford, in all likelihood a bear is responsible for your lamentable state. A large community of Bears has started nesting in Ryelands Park, and they've probably been round your house, searching for items to line their nest with before they take up their traditional hibernation habits of sleep, breeding and working behind bars in popular drinking hostelries. And he probably fancied your wife. Does she strongly resemble a bear? Fur all over the body? Fond of marmalade? Let us know - she's probably a lot happier now than she's ever been before. Cruel as this may sound, our research teams have discovered that many people need to "recover" their "inner bear". This could have wreaked havoc, had she bottled it up for a few more years - you could, potentially, have come home one night to find her feeding the local kids on her teats, rummaging for foods in your bins and splashing about in the bath, looking for salmon.
Elsewhere, the learned Dr Brendan Regan writes:
Help! My house is surrounded by enormous bears. They've started breaking down the front door, two of them appear to have rifles and one of them is doing some sort of voodoo ceremony involving what looks like a doll of me and some caballisitic dancing. What can I do?
B Regan, Dr.
The answer is simple, doctor - move house.
Keep all your bear related facts pooling in, folks. Till we meet again....