It wasn't until five thousand years before God that religion or 'spirituality' was even thought of. The na´ve Prince Gouranga was idling beneath the Baobab or 'tree of life' when an apple fell from a lofty bough and struck him on his most tender head-chakra. "Eureka" he cried, much to his own amusement, as he staggered down the road to enlightenment.

Stopping at a nearby mosque, Gouranga became enraged upon seeing an array of market stalls. "Tombola! Is this how you would use my front room?" Lord Guru shouted, before embarking upon a comprehensive programme of 'righteous vandalism'. The market girls blushed at his nudity, and fell to their knees in awe. "And another thing," The King cried as he left ; " I shall now be known as Buddha!"

So, Genesis began. From the sacred mountain of Arabs, the clothed Buddha set about creating the Universe. Such was the perfection of his Creation that it looked identical to how it was just before he began his mighty task. "Begorra! It is good!" God thundered to the Four Winds. " But no snakes".

Spirituality spread throughout the five ages of Man, as God, heavily pregnant and transported by his ass, distributed scrolls, or 'disciples' to all who would believe him. "Doubting Thomas- this is heinous to my 144 energy centres. But doubting me, this is surely contrary to the Way of my Golden Temple."

Mohammed Ali then took to the Dark Continents of Africa, Australia and Gondwana. It was here, in his 'wilderness' that the Lord did vital voluntary work. From his missionary position high above the curtains of delusion he proclaimed to the Sodomizers: " I see how you all enjoy the fruits I have created. Verily, it is time I told you how the elephant REALLY got its trunk." Overawed, the filthy ones went to church, thus ushering in the Renaissance that the Dutch still enjoy to this day.


Of course, King Guru has long since retreated to his pot hole on Olympus, plotting his Second Comeback. But there are still plenty of his fruits around. New age travellers still circulate the incense and peppermints of yore. And in a world where wars have ripped apart the Urals, it is reassuring to know that Yoghis, or 'Booboos' can still draw water into their penises for cleansing purposes.

But surely it is in the Bible or Holy Khuranga that the Wisdom of Solomon still resides. To dip into its wizened leaves is to sit under the Knowledge Tree of Shenandoah some fifty thousand years ago, awaiting the first splattering pips of Awakening.

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