World Of Walking

Winter looms, and with it come the shadowy, shortening evenings. No more does the day consist of work followed by a fish supper and twenty valium to help you get through the evening's television. No, you'll need more that to get you through this one.

Perhaps a new book ?

Well, okay then, you might just try reading it instead. Still no joy ? How about a brisk stroll in the fine air to revive your spirits. You seem excited, but there is still something, isn't there.....

Go on , admit it - you feel like such a fool to be out without a dog, don't you ? Everyone else has one, and therefore holds a watertight excuse for being outside in such otherwise unacceptable cicumstances. Well, why not get yourself a different alibi. And we here at the Paddy Garrigan Web Pages have just the one for you.

For example:-

Buy a dog. It's kind of the easiest way around it, really.
Make yourself a "Dog". A balloon stuck onto a rugby ball is an excellent start, but be careful nailing those old cucumbers on for the legs.
Carry with you at all times a pair of binoculars. Wear stout walking boots, sensible rainwear, and gesticulate carefully and silently with a pencil and notebook whilst paying very strict attention to bushes and undergrowth. This way, everybody will think that you're some kind of pervert.
Arguing loudly with yourself in an incomprehensible and violently obscene manner at all times during your walk is a widely proven way of becoming "invisible". The louder and more obscene you become, the less anyone wil look directly at you, or even acknowledge your presence. And kids get out of your way a lot quicker.
Following on neatly from which, how about arguing with everybody else. Let's face it, if there's going to be trouble, why keep it all to yourself?
Carry a large number of hypodermic needles, tourniqués, opium pipes, Bob Marley records, and disproportionately large sub sandwhiches. Everyone will assume you're on drugs, and have either lost, sold or ingested your dog. Or your house. Or your friends.
Wear camouflage. The undoubtedly few people who actually do see you will simply assume you're some sort of soldier, and are most likely, therefore, to be on Dog-evasion training. Face it, in a way, they aren't strictly wrong, are they?
Take the cat out instead. He won't thank you for it, but that's cats for you, isn't it.
Or buy a pet so intimidating that no-one will question your judgement. Like a Rhinoceros.
Run. It's less enjoyable, but you'll be home quicker, and people might give you the benefit of the doubt that you're actually chasing after your dog.

These are, however, just suggestions. In next week's section, we'll be discussing the relative merits of just staying at home. No, not necessarily your own home..........

Buy a dog. It's kind of the easiest way around it, really.

Make yourself a "Dog". A balloon stuck onto a rugby ball is an excellent start, but be careful nailing those old cucumbers on for the legs.

Carry with you at all times a pair of binoculars. Wear stout walking boots, sensible rainwear, and gesticulate carefully and silently with a pencil and notebook whilst paying very strict attention to bushes and undergrowth. This way, everybody will think that you're some kind of pervert.

Following on neatly from which, how about arguing with everybody else. Let's face it, if there's going to be trouble, why keep it all to yourself?

Carry a large number of hypodermic needles, tourniqués, opium pipes, Bob Marley records, and disproportionately large sub sandwhiches. Everyone will assume you're on drugs, and have either lost, sold or ingested your dog. Or your house. Or your friends.

Wear camouflage. The undoubtedly few people who actually do see you will simply assume you're some sort of soldier, and are most likely, therefore, to be on Dog-evasion training. Face it, in a way, they aren't strictly wrong, are they?

Take the cat out instead. He won't thank you for it, but that's cats for you, isn't it.

Or buy a pet so intimidating that no-one will question your judgement. Like a Rhinoceros.

Run. It's less enjoyable, but you'll be home quicker, and people might give you the benefit of the doubt that you're actually chasing after your dog.

These are, however, just suggestions. In next week's section, we'll be discussing the relative merits of just staying at home. No, not necessarily your own home..........

Back to the Features!!!